Things Only People From Altamasstachia Understand

It may be true that each state is unique in their own way, but Altamasstachia truly isn't like all the other states in America! Here in the Bayflower State, we Altamasstachians take extreme pride in our ways of life, our traditions and our oddities and quirks that define our homeland as we continue to embrace our future together, from Olympia to San Gerardo Bravo to Heston to St. Ann to Foxbridge and to New Scotland. While there's always something for everyone in Altamasstachia whether you're north or south of the Clapton Line, there's always going to be our own unique eccentricities only we Bayflower folk can understand.

Altamasstachians Measure Travel In Counties.

 

Lee County is just one of Altamasstachia's seemingly endless counties. And trust us, each county has something for everyone. With the possible exception of Midway County. You may as well get used to seeing lots of these signs travelling on the road in this state.

Altamasstachia has 550 counties, which is more than double the 254 counties Texas has, each varying in land area, population and geographical features. For instance, travelling by car from Olympia to San Gerardo Bravo will require you to go through at least 34 different counties. While the speed limits on some highways may be 80 mph at the most, you'd better be prepared for an hours-long trek no matter where you're headed. Altamasstachians embrace the Great American Road Trip just like all other Americans do, and you'll never run out of places to stop on the way - guaranteed.

Bowling Isn't Just a Sport, It's a Religion.

The National Bowling Stadium in Heston, which features eighty lanes of ten-pin nirvana. And it isn't even close to being the largest bowling center in the state.

Bowling is to Altamasstachia what football is to Texas - people of both genders and all races, skin colors, creed, religious/political views, sexual orientation, age, etc. are united fiercely in our common passion for hitting up our local lanes in search of that perfect game, converting a 7-10 split and getting together to compete in leagues after a hard day's of work. It's nowhere near enough that middle schools, high schools and colleges state-wide all have boy's/men's and girl's/women's bowling teams (many are nationally and internationally-renowned for their successful programs and all the legends and lore about their team histories) and that most high schools have their own bowling alley for these school athletes - it's our kids who compete in bowling who are the most popular in school, sorry baseball and football players. We are the proud home of the Altamasstachia Bowling Federation (ABF), the highest level of men's ten-pin bowling in not just America, but in the world. Millions of people worldwide watch our 20 ABF teams compete in the regular season and in the playoffs for the prized Wittimer Cup, which has been awarded since 1896. The International Bowling Campus, including the International Bowling Museum and Hall of Fame as well as the National Bowling Stadium, is located in Heston (our state capital) and we produce the most professional and amateur bowlers per capita in the United States. And to say that we'll fight like hell to save our local alleys from even the slightest threat of extinction is an understatement. It's not uncommon to find bowling alleys with over 90 lanes in this state - and when in 1972 Japan built a palace of 116 lanes in Nagoya, we were determined to swiftly re-take the crown for the United States for the world's largest alley - a native son of ours by the name of Blake Shelby Cousins II (1918-2001) built not one, but two 150-lane centers in Olympia, still proudly serving league bowlers, amateurs and professionals and high school/collegiate bowlers along with the family and party crowds to this day since their openings in 1973 and 1974 respectively. And with PBA tournaments flocking to Heston, Olympia, San Gerardo Bravo and St. Ann to showcase premier talent before our eyes, the Bayflower State is a real bowler's paradise.

Piggly Wiggly (including Piggly Wiggly Supercenters and Hoggs Wholesale Clubs).

 Sorry Wal-Mart, Target, Costco and Emporium - we just dig the Pig.

It just isn't the Bayflower State without Mr. Pig! Altamasstachia has more Piggly Wiggly supermarkets than all the other 18 states with Piggly Wigglys - combined. We Altamasstachians dig the Pig so much we're the only state you will find Piggly Wiggly Supercenters - there's about 16 such places in the state where you can find a Piggly Wiggly with 120,000 square feet of livin' off the hog. At these Piggly Wigglys, you can expect home furnishings, garden centers, electronics and games areas, auto/tire centers, pharmacies and all sorts of features you'd find in a Wal-Mart Supercenter in addition to the usual groceries and whatnot. There'll also be gas stations and car washes at these special Piggly Wigglys too. Then there's Hoggs, the wholesale clubs Piggly Wiggly has throughout our state. Oh, and St. Ann is where Piggly Wiggly's Altamasstachia headquarters are, which also boasts Piggly Wiggly Arena where many events including bowling/basketball/hockey games for the St. Ann Terrapins of the ABF, College of St. Ann Marauders, the St. Ann Steamrollers and the St. Ann Terriers are hosted.

No One Knows Political Apathy Like We Do.

We're not proud of it, but blame American political culture for our indifferences to the hot air in Washington.

More often than not, we just don't show any enthusiasm whatsoever for casting a vote. But we have our reasons. Just because we Altamasstachians watch our politicos like a hawk, doesn't mean any one of them can compel our minds and hearts to do so much as go to a booth and cast a vote for them. Unlike the rest of America where politicians can just breeze their way into office, we instill the fear of God into those who feel the urge to want to make a difference. We all vow in the principles of upholding our democracy and livelihoods to hold each and every politician accountable to the maximum extent, but 41% of all Altamasstachians aged 18 and over aren't registered to vote. In the 2008 presidential election that saw Barack Obama elected as the 44th president, just 42% of registered voters showed up at the polls. And the figures for state and local elections are even more discouraging for those politically minded folks - the average turnout for local and state elections since 1960 has been around 32%. In many counties, especially in the Clapton Range and north, there's often talk of polling stations that only saw one or two people Election Day. Sure, the rest of America won't understand our contempt for anything politics - famed musicians like Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen, Taylor Swift, Beyoncé and other pop musicians have publicly threatened to not play anywhere or cancel concerts/tours in Altamasstachia if we don't show up to the polls and plenty of celebrities (no one actually has though) and news anchors and comedians have reported on/mocked our collective disinterest for voting, but we figure, let 'em be big-mouthed and act entitled. Never underestimate an Altamasstachian's distrust and distaste for politics and politicians, for to be a politician in the Bayflower State, you have to earn our respect. And earning an Altamasstachian's respect for your political contributions is like winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

It's Actually Really Freaking Difficult To Be a Politician In This State. No, Seriously.

Very - very, VERY - few politicians have our respect in this state. To have earned an Altamasstachian's respect, you have to have truly represented us and stood by every single promise you make and then some, with absolutely no deviation whatsoever. No other Americans scrutinize politicians, either our own or other politicians in the United States like we do. We watch our mayors and city councils, representatives, senators, governors and everyone else connected to the government and political spectrum like a hawk - and so help us God if even one of them make even the slightest foray into something corrupt, self-centered or duplicitous. If you get even the slightest thought you think you can easily manipulate our thoughts, or think you can run smear ads and think that elections are all popularity contests, you had better think again. We Altamasstachians want results, and we've heard it all. Since, after all, liberty is when the government fears the people and tyranny exists when it's the people who fear the government, we make sure people who consider running for any office in this state do their job right from the get-go and that their campaigns only focus on what will be, not what they want us to think will be. We'll all be damned if anything otherwise happens. You might feel sorry for politicians in Altamasstachia, but let's get one thing straight - any politician who does their job to the fullest extent in extraordinary fashion and with flying colors will be respected and celebrated. Truly grand honors go to all those who truly serve us, but for the record, either we hold you with great distrust and contempt or only after a remarkable and illustrious political career do you then have our love and respect. It's because we love our country and our state that we only extend the olive branch to politicians once they've proved themselves as loyal and true.

Even Then, We're The Most Progressive State In The Nation By Lightyears.

Altamasstachia came about into the union as the 38th state just after the Civil War ended and Reconstruction was getting ready to commence, but we've been every single civil rights movement at least a good twenty to thirty years before they took hold in the rest of the United States. Gay marriage has never been illegal in Altamasstachia, and these are some of our accomplishments to make the Bayflower State a welcoming place where everyone is equal:

Abortion: legalized since 1916.

Marijuana/cannabis - legalized for recreational use in 2004 in Altamasstachia.

Psilocybin/magic mushrooms - legalized for medical use (must be administered by licensed retreats) in 2012 in Altamasstachia.

Private ownership of professional sports teams based in Altamasstachia - banned in 1958.

Homeless encampments on public property - decriminalized in 1998 in Altamasstachia (with legal penalties if unhoused people are ordered to leave and or harassed and allows unhoused people affected by harassment to sue up to a maximum of $10,000)

We've been "woke" long before it became a term in American culture, and we're proud of our diversity and all those who've helped to make Altamasstachia the quintessential American paradise it has always been and remains to this day. 

And The Altamasstachia State Fair in Heston Can't Be Beat!

While plenty of hot air comes out of the halls of the Altamasstachia State Capitol Building in Heston, there's nowhere in the world like the Altamasstachia State Fair which occurs every June (and we wish lasted longer). Over 5.5 million people from around the world visit Heston annually during two weeks of heaven: our best showcases and spectacular feats celebrating the state's diversity of people, industries and agriculture and blue-ribbon displays. Culinary delights, animal displays, competitions, live music concerts, carnivals, fireworks, water parks and other family fun makes our state capital the grandest place on earth. What's not to love?

It's Not "[insert name of river here] River." It's "River [insert name of river here]."

Just like in the United Kingdom (i.e. River Thames, River Cam), we say river before the river's name. We take the time to say Mississippi River or Missouri River, etc. when we're travelling in the continental U.S., so we'll all thank you to find it in yourselves to say River Humbarton, not "Humbarton River." "River Mississippi" doesn't sound right, right? Well, neither does "Humbarton River."

In Olympia, It's Taco Bell. Elsewhere, It's Taco John's.

Taco Bell or Taco John's? Most of us Altamasstachians know only the latter - but Taco Bell is king in Olympia.

Unless you're in the Olympia-Esteban-Wetsitburrell metropolitan area, chances are we don't know what it's like to have Chalupas, Gorditas, Crunchwraps or Mountain Dew Baja Blast, nor have we seen the famous Taco Bell Chihuahua commercials. Those of us living in Altamasstachia's largest metropolitan area are rather very defensive of Taco Bell as opposed to Taco John's, which serves literally the rest of the state and are therefore dismissive of Potato Olés, Boss Burritos and Bowls, Six-Pack and a Pounds, Mexican Donut Bites and the like. You might be wondering though - why does only the Olympia area have the (by far) bigger and more well-known chain of Mexican fast food places? Again, Altamasstachia just isn't like the rest of the U.S.

Cash 'n' Curry.

Just some of the delectable dishes you can get through the drive-thru window at these places we treasure so very much.

An Altamasstachian institution - Indian fast food that we're always craving even if we say we don't care for anything spicy. We wonder why only in the Bayflower State can you get chicken tikka masala (and tikka masala pizzas), curry, butter chicken (and butter chicken burgers), chaat, samosas or naan bread and all those goodies through the drive-thru and why that appears to not be a thing at all on the American mainland. Just one visit to a Cash 'n' Curry and you'll be coming back for more. We recommend trying Medium spice first, but feel free to climb up the Ladder of Heat if ya dare...

Eggnog - Not Just For The Holidays!

And not just the state beverage either - it's a way of life.

If you're craving this delectable drug from dairy heaven when it's only Easter or the Fourth of July and you wish you could have it not just in December, come on over to Altamasstachia and we'll welcome you with open arms - and a nice and frothy glass of 'nog. This nectar of the gods is so important to us that we don't just drink it year-round with our breakfasts, lunches, suppers, desserts and snacks... we make damned sure it's gonna be available from January 1 to December 31 every year. 84 of Altamasstachia's 550 counties have "eggnog laws" on the books that make it unlawful for supermarkets and grocery stores to not have eggnog stocked on their shelves all 365 days of the year. 63 of those 84 counties also require there to be at least two (or three, depending on the county) farms to set aside a special area of their acreage for cows specifically to make the milk and cream that goes into producing eggnog (hence the term "eggnog cows") and chickens for the eggs, and for there to be one or two special dairy facilities per county to facilitate the labor of love that goes into making our beloved beverage. Eggnog first came to Altamasstachia in 1809, and at the height of government regulations that helped to encourage the consumption of eggnog, 218 out of the (then) 485 counties in 1912 had eggnog laws on the books. So, forget the old jokes and comparisons of us to Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman that got tired ages ago and join us on our festivities and all things eggnog! St. Kenneth is the proud home of the Altamasstachia Eggnog Festival which is celebrated every third weekend of July and features competitors from all over the state and the rest of America to see who can make the best 'nog and come up with the most innovative flavors and recipes in addition to music, games and fireworks for everyone to enjoy. Big problem though - we Altamasstachians can't figure out for the life of us who makes the better eggnog - Larson, Mobley or Ottmont.

When In Southwestern Altamasstachia, Beware The Dreaded Winter Wasp.

Although it's a critically endangered species, the winter wasp (AKA the snow wasp, the white wasp, etc.) gets its name from its white and black color and its natural habitat is select areas of the Huey Watershed. The winter wasp's habitat used to extend across much of Southern Altamasstachia thousands of years ago, but nowadays some conservatories across the area are doing their best to prevent the winter wasp from going extinct. Still, there's a remote chance you can get stung by one of them during a hike in the Huey Watershed, a common activity in an area northeast of San Gerardo Bravo.

There Is Literally NOTHING In Midway County.

 Most of Midway County in a nutshell. Fascinating if you enjoy barren lands of deserted vegetation and few natural sights. For everyone else, it's frankly very boring.

Named so for its geographical position in Altamasstachia, Midway County is our "no-mans land" settled in the thick of the Clapton Range - and we MEAN it when we say that nobody's in this county. With a total population of just 1,998 as of the 2010 census, all but one of the four incorporated towns and communities are within two miles of another county. Midway County may be home to the Altamasstachia Central State Penitentiary and mile after mile of grassland left to nature, but there's nothing truly exciting in the epitome of "the middle of nowhere."

No Matter Where In Altamasstachia You Go, A Smile Is Never Out Of Style!

Happiness and friendship echoes in our eyes, and is our philosophy of life.

Altamasstachia is known as the "Cordial State" - the state ranks #1 in the United States in regards to hospitality, happiness, friendliness, politeness and safety, and whether you're a tourist who's come to our shores for the first time or you've lived in Altamasstachia your whole life, we welcome all with open arms, pep and a jovial spirit all-around. While people from the rest of the United States often only appear to promote happiness and well-being, we Altamasstachians are sincere, we mean well and politeness reigns supreme. Live life to your fullest - that's the key!