A Basic Guide to Sports in Altamasstachia

Altamasstachians are sports-obsessed, to put it lightly. While Altamasstachia, with a population of over 35 million people, comprises the largest markets to not have a team in any of the United States' major professional sports leagues (barring its very own ABF), it greatly makes up for that with its own professional sports leagues - which rival many other leagues in baseball, football, basketball and hockey in the rest of America. There's plenty of deep-seated passions and loyalties and a great sense of sporting traditions and cultures throughout the Bayflower State. Having said that, let's cover the sports Altamasstachia is mainly known for.

The Sports Hierarchy in Altamasstachia

1. BOWLING. Ten-pin bowling and Altamasstachia have gone together like fine wine and gourmet cheese since the 1870s, with the first professional leagues starting up in an era when the rest of the United States was still reeling in from the aftermath of the Civil War. The Altamasstachia Bowling Federation (ABF) formed in the 1890s following a merger of the top men's bowling associations in the Olympia metropolitan area, and the Wittimer Cup is the most prestigious trophy in the sport. ABF matches and the Wittimer Cup playoff tournament are watched by global audiences while pulling in at least 75% of its home state's market share. You'll find that in high schools and colleges in the Bayflower State, bowlers are the most popular kids on the block, each and every one of them aspiring to be the next Mark Jones. Altamasstachia is home to more bowling establishments than any other U.S. state, ranging from bowling halls (historical bowling museums, only a few of which the sport may still be played casually at) to bowling alleys (where bowling is played both casually and for sport and features the usual gimmicks of food courts, sports bars, arcades and party rooms) to bowling centers (where bowling is played strictly for the sport of it and most bowling leagues are held at these facilities, though some bowling alleys offer leagues) to bowling arenas (home to ABF teams). So it's safe to say that anyone in Altamasstachia who says they've never bowled is lying to you -  and for a multitude of good reasons. Bowling in Altamasstachia is not just a sport, it's a religion and a way of life. Just like football in Texas, baseball in New York, New England and parts of the Midwest and ice hockey in Canada (especially Quebec). The Olympia Generals, who are one of the winningest clubs of any North American professional sports league at 31 championships, have a season ticket waiting list of 228,000 fans. Indeed, bowling is the kingpin (pun definitely intended). And while in the mind, heart and soul of all Altamasstachians, bowling is the only sport that truly matters, that's not to say we don't care about other sports. Speaking of which, let's get on with talking about those other sports...

2. BASEBALL. The second-most popular sport in the state (some areas more distance between bowling and baseball for interest than others), America's national pastime has stood the test of time in Altamasstachia since the 1900s. Independent professional leagues draw the most crowds, while many high school and collegiate teams get a good deal of media coverage as well due to their respective players, coaches, pedigrees and histories. Altamasstachia is also one of Major League Baseball's largest regional markets despite not having a team in any of its cities, and approximately 4% of current MLB players born in the United States are from Altamasstachia. However, the fact that the Bayflower State has legitimate baseball programs throughout high school, college, amateur and professional leagues is often overlooked (as well as the significant contributions to MLB) due to all of the attention going to Altamasstachia's bowlers and bowling tourneys. While baseball doesn't have a chance of ever overtaking bowling as the top sport in the state, those who enjoy baseball as well can rest assured that it'll always be more popular on these shores than football.

3. FOOTBALL. Football, be it college or NFL, is usually the most popular sport amongst Americans, especially in Texas, Oklahoma and the Deep South states where successful quarterbacks and wide receivers are often given hometown folk hero status. However, as beloved as the trials and tribulations of the gridiron are in the rest of America, football didn't reach Altamasstachia until the 1930s and the sport has the unenviable task of competing with bowling and baseball for public interest. Couple that with Altamasstachian football programs across high school, collegiate and minor league levels often being a farce, and with high school and collegiate teams from their southern neighbor and rival Mallettbarr almost always dominating them - and it's just plain no wonder why football doesn't garner as much attention in the Bayflower State than in the rest of the United States. Typically, Altamasstachians only care about their local football team (be it high school, college or pro) if they're any good, and in the case of many high schools across the state, people only care if that team makes the state championship round.

4. BASKETBALL. Interchangeable with ice hockey. While not as hoop crazy as say, professional basketball fans in California, Florida and Boston or college powerhouses like Kansas and North Carolina, Altamasstachians do flock to basketball games every now and then (especially if the team is really good). Basketball finds its biggest audiences in Olympia, San Gerardo Bravo and St. Ann, though basketball even then will find itself as the decidedly fourth most popular sport in those areas. Of course, the Harlem Globetrotters are always a big draw wherever they play just like the rest of the world.

5. ICE HOCKEY. Interchangeable with basketball. Depending on where you are in the Bayflower State, ice hockey is either the fourth or fifth most popular sport. Hockey is more popular in the northern part of the state (think Balbert, Foxbridge, the Hamperhills and New Scotland) than in the southern part of Altamasstachia, although the media markets in Olympia, San Gerardo Bravo and St. Ann will generate some serious buzz for their local guys in the rink if they're stellar enough.

6. AUTO RACING. Altamasstachia has a great fascination and long history with motorsports, ranging from the world-renowned international speedways in Olympia, San Gerardo Bravo, St. Ann and Heston to drag racing strips to F1 car races and then there's a plethora of off-road racing events all over the state, especially in the northern regions and the Clapton Range in the middle.

7. HORSE RACING. Horse racing and steeplechases are also another tradition in the Bayflower State, with the annual Heston Stakes being considered a big deal and is held the first Wednesday of June.

8. GOLF. Altamasstachia has its fair share of some of the world's most exquisite golf courses, although the PGA Tour has only visited the Bayflower State three times, with the most recent being in 1993.

9. ANY OTHER SPORT THAT ISN'T SOCCER. Wrestling, tennis, cross country, cycling, volleyball, racquetball, badminton, swimming/diving, surfing, sailing, ultimate disc, rodeo, paintball - hell, even air hockey. Any of those sports over soccer, any day. No, we're not exaggerating - we'll bet money that more people in Altamasstachia are into air hockey (as a sport!) than soccer. It's not hyperbole. Don't believe us? Go ahead and try.

10. SOCCER (or lack thereof). Sorry, rest of the world, but we Altamasstachians just don't care. We know the rest of the United States is trying really hard to build itself up as a great contender in soccer (or what the rest of the world will have you know is football) what with Major League Soccer (MLS) - and good on them. As for us, we'll pass. Good luck finding a high school in the Bayflower State that has a soccer team. As a consolation statement for any soccer fans reading this, we Altamasstachians will sooner get into soccer than allow a billionaire to own any one of our professional sports teams (fun fact: all professional sports teams in Altamasstachia are community-owned, thanks to a state law). Give us about a hundred years, and we just might finally have some appreciation for soccer.

Now... let's cover the leagues, shall we?

ALTAMASSTACHIA BOWLING FEDERATION. The most-watched sports league in the state and one of the most watched sports leagues worldwide, the Altamasstachia Bowling Federation is the highest level of men's ten-pin bowling in the United States (making men's ten-pin bowling the only sport in America where a regional/state-wide league is higher in prestige, skill and promotional power than the nation-wide league). A testament to the passions, trials and tribulations of the hardwood, the ABF has produced the world's best bowlers such as Mark Jones, Wilbur Thorgensen, Vic Singh, Asahi Murakami and Jonathan Loflossario, and its players and coaches are always the biggest celebrities and role models in Altamasstachian society. The Wittimer Cup is one of the oldest sports championship trophies in America, and the Olympia Generals are the New York Yankees of men's ten-pin bowling at 31 Wittimer Cup championships. On the occasion the ABF doesn't have a live or repeat match on television, Altamasstachians will watch the United Bowling League (UBL) (which has teams in the continental United States as well in Canada), usually wisecracking about how inferior the nation-wide league is compared to their own teams.

ALTAMASSTACHIA BASEBALL LEAGUE. The Altamasstachia Baseball League is an independent baseball league (i.e. not overseen by Major League Baseball and is outside the Minor League Baseball clubs affiliated to MLB) and represents the highest level of the sport in the state. Many Altamasstachia Baseball League players go on to play in either MLB, any of the Minor League Baseball teams in the rest of the United States or Nippon Professional Baseball in Japan. The Altamasstachia Baseball Championship is always a huge draw, and the Darren Williams Trophy is awarded to the winners of the Championship. The St. Kenneth Prospects have the most championships at 17.

ALTAMASSTACHIA ALL-PRO FOOTBALL LEAGUE. The fact that "All-Pro" is in the league's name is a joke in of itself - while football took a shockingly long time to arrive in Altamasstachia and has never been the state's most popular sport, the Altamasstachia All-Pro Football League is usually a laughingstock what with its players and coaches playing like they don't know what "red zone offense", "deep coverage" or "time management" is, regularly blowing large leads (especially in crucial games) and/or benefitting from bad officiating. The playoffs and the Gridiron Classic are considered a big deal, though, and the H.G. Alberternst Trophy is awarded to the winners of the Altamasstachia Gridiron Classic. The Olympia Commandos have the most championships at 16. Often considered where the NFL rejects go, it's no surprise that Altamasstachians prefer the NFL or college football for their pigskin fix. Then again, since we Altamasstachians look down upon the UBL and regard it as an amateur hour clown show, it's only a fair trade that the rest of America mocks our football teams and our inability to resonate with football on the level they do.

ALTAMASSTACHIA BASKETBALL LEAGUE. Representing the highest level of hoops in the state, the Altamasstachia Basketball League acts as a feeder league to the National Basketball Association - many of the NBA's aging veterans finish their careers here. The Altamasstachia Basketball Championship is the playoff tournament, with its winners being gifted the Steven E. Ross Trophy. The Olympia Civics have the most championships at 13.

ALTAMASSTACHIA HOCKEY LEAGUE. While not as storied as the National Hockey League (NHL), the Altamasstachia Hockey League's best players are often NHL prospects who often elect to be posted to the clubs in Canada and the contiguous United States. People who live in the state north of the Clapton Line are often just as fanatical about their hockey team as the bowling teams they cheer for, possibly owing to the fact that the four Northern Altamasstachia teams have won the Altamasstachia Hockey Championship a combined 32 times, with the Balbert Blades winning 10 of those times. The Paul Schlotzky Cup is awarded to the champions of each season, which the Olympia Admirals have accomplished the most at 11 championships.

NORTHERN ALTAMASSTACHIA PRO ASSOCIATION. The affiliates of the Balbert Wolverines, Foxbridge Maroons, Hamperhills Broncos and New Scotland Impact compete in this professional men's ten-pin bowling league. Each of those respective ABF clubs have two teams in this league.

SOUTHERN ALTAMASSTACHIA FLYING ACES LEAGUE. The affiliates of the Battaglia Gladiators, Colbert Coast Trojans, Creighton Lancers, Esteban Colonials, Fort Juan Soto Brigadiers, Heston Silverswords, Luthra City Lunars, Niyonsenga Emperors, Olympia Generals, Ponce de Gabriel Conquistadors, San Gerardo Bravo Cavaliers, Seville Gardens Pilots, St. Ann Terrapins, St. Kenneth Swashbucklers, Surrey Trendsetters and Wetsitburrell Arsenal compete in this professional men's ten-pin bowling league. Each of those respective ABF clubs have two teams in this league.

COLLEGIATE TEAMS. Altamasstachia collegiate teams have dominated the NCAA Division I Men's Bowling Championship so much, it's expected that any one of our universities go very far in representing the best of our state's college bowlers. So, the shock was resounding all over our land when our monopoly of the collegiate bowling championship ceased in 1974, and it was even more humiliating when Altamasstachia suffered the first loss in the Championship in 2001 to Kansas. But we Altamasstachians can all rest assured that we are always a force to be reckoned with in bowling, be it professional, collegiate or at any other level. The state's colleges and universities also do well in baseball, which gets overlooked more often than not. Of course, we struggle at college football and our basketball and hockey programs are nothing to brag about - we really just compete for pride in those sports more than anything. It's a state holiday whenever any one of our schools beats a school from Mallettbarr in football — we don't know what it is about Mallettbarr that makes them our kryptonite in football, but those left side of the road driving, backwards hicks always get us good when it comes to the pigskin. Whereas we crush them in every other athletic pastime (and aspect of life at that), we resign ourselves to the undeniable fact that football is decidedly not our top sport, and we can rest assured that at least we drive on the right side of the road. Whether school you cheer for, college life in the Bayflower State can't be beat!

Survey Says...

The Top Ten Most Popular MLB, NFL, NBA & NHL Teams in Altamasstachia

Major League Baseball (MLB)

1. Tie between the following teams: Los Angeles Dodgers, Los Angeles Angels, Oakland Athletics, San Diego Padres, San Francisco Giants & Seattle Mariners

2. Tie between Arizona Diamondbacks & Colorado Rockies

3. New York Yankees

4. New York Mets

5. Kansas City Royals

6. Atlanta Braves

7. Tie between Houston Astros & Texas Rangers

8. Chicago Cubs

9. Minnesota Twins

10. Tie between Miami Marlins & Tampa Bay Rays

National Football League

1. Tie between Los Angeles Rams, Los Angeles Express & San Diego Chargers

2. Tie between Oakland Raiders & San Francisco 49ers

3. Seattle Seahawks

4. Dallas Cowboys

5. Green Bay Packers

6. New York Giants

7. Pittsburgh Steelers

8. Miami Dolphins

9. Denver Broncos

10. Arizona Cardinals

National Basketball Association

1. Los Angeles Lakers

2. Golden State Warriors

3. Seattle SuperSonics

4. San Diego Clippers

5. Phoenix Suns

6. Denver Nuggets

7. Portland Trail Blazers

8. Chicago Bulls

9. Tie between Dallas Mavericks & Houston Rockets

10. Memphis Grizzlies

National Hockey League

1. Los Angeles Kings

2. San Jose Sharks

3. Seattle Metropolitans

4. Vancouver Canucks

5. Tie between Calgary Flames & Edmonton Oilers

6. Colorado Avalanche

7. Tie between Dallas Stars & Houston Aeros

8. Saskatoon Pioneers

9. Winnipeg Jets

10. Toronto Maple Leafs

Why doesn't the state of Altamasstachia have MLB, NFL, NBA or NHL teams?

1. The lack of interest in both Altamasstachia and the respective leagues for a team in any of the state's markets.

2. Said franchise would compete against established state-wide leagues and clubs.

3. Travel times for involved leagues and clubs.

4. Logistical/infrastructure issues (both related to and unrelated to travel times and expenditures).

5. The lack of executive/club suites in current stadiums/arenas for Altamasstachia-based professional sports teams.

And, perhaps most importantly...

6. Private ownership of professional sports teams/clubs is against Altamasstachia state law, and has been since 1958.