A 55-State Union Roast: Triggering All 55 U.S. States
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| Let the roasting begin! |
Now it's time to stir the pot a little and poke some good ol' fashioned fun at the states that comprise the United States, with a nice helping of humble pie, heh heh heh. DISCLAIMER: I take no responsibility for any feelings that get hurt or for anyone who feels offended – none of the material here should come as too much of a surprise and many of the jokes for each state basically wrote themselves. Consider yourselves warned...
Alabama: You made history for civil rights, and then made college football and NASCAR your whole personality. Yeah, real progress. The whole nation is all the poorer thanks to your antics.
Alaska: A tax haven for moose and oil executives still trying to forget the Exxon Valdez disaster decades later. America's freezer was purchased from Russia (when it was still ruled by a Tsar) for two cents an acre – and honestly, that was overpriced.
Altamasstachia: Why are you so big? Couldn't you have been splintered off into at least three other states by now? Also, what's with eggnog of all beverages being sold year-round - not every day is Christmas (you oughta be selling insulin by the 55-gallon drum at all pharmacies at this rate). Maybe that explains why everyone here is cheerful. To sum it up, you're like California but not as fake and like Texas but not that egotistical.
Arizona: The only state where sunscreen is a survival tool and there are people who think having a scorpion in their bed is normal.
Arkansas: If it weren't for Wal-Mart, you'd just be known as yet another remnant of the Confederacy. The state motto ought to be "Cousins: Twice the Family, Half the Distance."
California: Where earthquakes, land slides and wildfires are the only natural things and on a timer. Overall, an overpriced theme park where crowded freeways are in abundance and boasting a movie industry that's still trying to live off the glories of their best works from long ago – there are more overpaid actors/actresses who just pose in front of a camera than there are scriptwriters (with a modicum of talent).
Colorado: Yes, you have mountains. You're not the only state in the country to have such geological distinctions - so cut out putting them on your license plates, bumper stickers and keychains because you're not special in the slightest.
Connecticut: You're just a rest stop between New York City and Boston, but somehow smug about it. Living proof that even rich, affluent areas can be very boring.
Delaware: A corporate tax haven that's disguised as a state. Had another state ratified the Constitution first, there would be absolutely nothing to Delaware's name.
Florida: Where evolution took a sabbatical. A theme park of insanity where the real attractions are all the bad decisions made in broad daylight by people who should have known better. There's more alligators than there are people with any common sense.
Georgia: Atlanta fancies itself as the Los Angeles of the South, but in truth is completely surrounded by 1850. Peaches, political graft and piss-poorly designed highways and airports are the state's biggest exports.
Hawaii: What was once a paradise on earth has been strangled by rich mainlanders and tourists since becoming a state. Too close to home to be an exotic, prestigious destination and too far away to amount to anything of material importance.
Idaho: Just potatoes and Mormons who believe themselves to still be in Utah somehow. Even your stereotypes are boring, honestly.
Illinois: Sadomasochism at its finest - everyone and everything in the state depends on the blood-soaked corruption of Chicago to ensure things run at a minimum level. Also, no one outside your state believes for a second Superman is from that Metropolis. The state's name starts with "Ill" and it's no coincidence why. Things aren't too bright when your state's most famous resident is Al Capone.
Indiana: The Crossroads of America – because no one really stops here. There's corn, meth labs, basketball, football, uhm what else? Did I say corn?
Iowa: Political caucuses are the most exciting thing that happens in this state, because that's the only thing to do here besides grow corn. The state equivalent of dry toast.
Kanawha: You did the right thing to break off from Virginia during the Civil War, but the lack of a concrete contingency plan back then means that no one here has any aspiration except to live in a coal-scarred wasteland, play a banjo and drink out of a bottle of Mountain Dew or OxyContin depending on the time of day. Family picnics and town hall meetings in this state are more often than not the same thing.
Kansas: A test simulation by the government to see if it's possible to die of pure, unadulterated boredom. The tornadoes are more interesting than the people who live here.
Kentucky: Bourbon, horse racing and fried chicken are three things deliberately engineered to perfection to help people here forget that they're in Kentucky. Opiod-fuelled nihilism is just the beginning of this state's problems.
Louisiana: Where getting drunk and then drowned in swamp water is a cultural experience, not a freak accident. New Orleans isn't that bad if you can avoid being a victim of a voodoo spirit or something like that.
Maine: Don't be fooled by the lobsters and the postcards of light houses – what they don't show prospective tourists and residents is soul-crushing economic despair that reads just like a Stephen King novel. New England's own version of a creepy fisherman with hidden secrets.
Mallettbarr: Think driving on the left side of the road gives you all a pass to have the personality of a hornet? It's no wonder the British and Aussies were so eager to be rid of you. You're like a little nugget of the Midwest in the Pacific Ocean with all the bad traits of the former region, and the rest of America prays your politics come nowhere near close to relevance. You may need us, but we don't need you. People seeking economic opportunities and social interaction need not apply.
Maryland: Too Northern for the South, and too Southern for the North. A crab cake-injected ego trip that pretends it's more than just D.C.'s glove compartment. The streets of Baltimore are a living, breathing Edgar Allan Poe-penned nightmare epic in real time. Also, the flag is a medieval fever dream.
Massachusetts: The birthplace of America's arrogance, and is nowadays home to wicked insufferable Ivy Leaguers who find contempt with everything in contemporary society. Any other state's DMV would deny 98% of residents here of a driver's license. Everyone here is rude, but they think that's just "Boston charm."
Michigan: Looks like a mitten, punches like one and is held together by duct tape. The water is either flammable or frozen (or both) depending where you are and what time of the year it is, and auto industry nostalgia won't be getting the Big Three's act together any time soon.
Minnesota: Is nice until the passive aggression gives you frostbite and drives you somewhere else. Where every day is basically the film "Fargo," and where bears and mosquitos prosper.
Mississippi: Your state's name is fun to pronounce and spell, but the state is not so fun to think about. The USA's benchmark for mediocrity, you're only on top when it comes to poverty and obesity. The most interesting people in this state will be found at any Waffle House.
Missouri: You call yourselves the "Show Me State," but no one really wants to see you. Meth labs so large they might as well offer drive-thru service, and the Gateway Arch is practically both a monument to everyone who left and a magical departure chamber for future generations who will inevitably want to follow suit. Best to avoid if you have any aspirations in life.
Montana: Cowboys, crypto bros who found the going in Silicon Valley too saturated or too rough and too many off-the-grid survivalists. Where you go when society tells you to disappear. Honestly, the whole state should be turned into a national park.
Nebraska: It's more fun to watch paint dry than it is to live here. It's the only triple-landlocked state in the country. That alone tells you everything you need to know about this forsaken place.
Nevada: Where morality goes to die. What may be a fun weekend for those visiting from Altamasstachia, Arizona, California or Utah is a living hell for those who have to contend with the inevitable hordes of tourists day in and day out. Also, aren't you concerned about a potential water situation in the future? The time is now to get crack a lacking on that - and the tired excuse of "I gambled it all away at the casino" won't work one day.
New Hampshire: "Live Free or Die" - or is it really "Live Cold, Miserable and Prepared to Die?" A tax shelter for those who crave social isolation, one dreary winter at a time.
New Jersey: A poor man's New York, the state that gave glory to toxic waste, mafia sweat and high taxes on everything. Also, how about entering the 21st century and letting people pump their own cars with gasoline? Surely that's not a huge ask, right?
New Mexico: The "Land of Enchantment"? More like "The Land of Disembowelment" am I right? Arizona for folks on a budget and want a cheap gateway to Montezuma's Revenge. Also, Breaking Bad wasn't fictional – it was a documentary in real time.
New York: Manhattan is the self-proclaimed center of the universe. If New York City is a wedding, the other boroughs are competing to see who's the best bridesmaid. Upstate can never decline because it was never that great. Everyone here thinks they're better than you and each other.
North Carolina: Flip-flops in church and a confusing mix of tech bros and tobacco. Wants you to think it's progressive but is still clinging on to Confederate statues with their tea-stained fingers. Still, you're basically South Carolina with a better PR team doing your bidding.
North Dakota: Cold, lonely, and yet delusional enough to think it's the better Dakota. Spoiler alert: it's not.
Ohio: The Rust Belt personified. Weird stuff happens and no one really escapes. Cleveland and Cincinnati are dysfunctional places where everyone lives in the past.
Oklahoma: Where the wind comes sweeping down the plain – because it's so damn empty. Oil, twisters and Bible-thumpers run amok. Proudly thinks it's still 1955.
Oregon: Portland is a college campus that transformed into a city but never graduated. Over-priced mushrooms, beard oil and everyone who lives outside of Portland are either a) armed, b) dazed, c) confused or d) all of the above. You would be called the New Jersey of the West Coast, but that would hurt the Garden State's feelings. Instead of trying to be weird, how about trying to be relevant?
Pennsylvania: Take your pick between urban chaos or rural misery. Philly throws car batteries at people dressed as Santa Claus, Pittsburgh puts French fries in their sandwiches and the Amish judge everyone silently. Best to steer clear of the Turnpike, Altoona-style pizza and that ghost town called Centralia.
Puerto Rico: You're easily the most cultured part of the country – too bad Congress only gives a damn about you when a hurricane hits. And you're not even the best island in the Caribbean!
Rhode Island: As small as a postage stamp, and just as relevant – the state equivalent of a shrug emoji. The Griffins are the most famous people from here - and they're fictional characters from a TV sitcom for crying out loud!
South Carolina: Home of the unholy trifecta of plantation weddings, hurricanes and being the first state to think secession from the Union was a good idea. For those who want to be in Florida but find Florida too hot or too expensive (or both).
South Dakota: The state that decided taking a mountain that was originally Native American land and carving it into the image of white people was a good idea - yeah, real classy. Also, if Nebraska built the Corn Palace, you guys would've thrown a real fit. You want to be known for more than just Mount Rushmore? Well, do more than build a glorified town hall then.
Superior: Lake effect snow means more miserable winters than some parts of Alaska, New England or even Siberia. Hunting and snowmobiling are common, because that's the only things to do here. By the way, lose the name "Superior" - the amount of hubris required to have a name like that is just off the charts. Or better yet, just join Canada - it'll be a win-win situation for our neighbors up north and the American taxpayer.
Tennessee: Perfect if you think music nothing but acoustic guitars, playing only two or three chords and singing with a twang – the whole state is basically Deliverance. Throw in bachelorette hell with a couple of megachurches, cheap whiskey and people who may be part of a small militia and you have the full picture.
Texas: The ego of a nation, the heat of hell, and a gun in every pickup. Everything’s bigger — especially the opinions. You guys would've been your own country long by now if you had any actual guts. The state relies on a steady diet of football, alcohol and frying every foodstuff in sight.
Utah: A religious cult that also operates ski resorts & crypto scams and has access to national parks, and the state bird is marriage because every man has a flock. Coffee is considered a controlled substance, and nothing really exciting ever happens here.
Vermont: The land of weak maple syrup and cold, deep rooted regret. Was never relevant until Bernie Sanders came along, and Ben & Jerry's isn't that great.
Virginia: Wants you to forget it hosted the capital of the Confederacy and is transitioning into the 21st century, but is polluted with highways, suburban sprawl and Civil War re-enactors who were over 150 years way too late to the party.
Washington: Rain, coffee and overpriced nostalgia for grunge. Seattle's rich hippies gentrify everything in sight like it's going out of style, and are the coldest, most aloof folks this side of Mallettbarr. Will never have the swagger of British Columbia, but that won't stop this state from trying.
Wisconsin: Where a diet strictly consisting of cheese and Miller is taken super damn seriously, because it's the only way to be able to tolerate living here. Home of the slowest descent into Midwestern obesity ever recorded and shirtless football fans in winter.
Wyoming: Where there are more cattle than people – and even the cattle don't really want to live here. The surveyors basically took the shape of Colorado, and copied and pasted it here, and that's the most imaginative thing that can be said about this state.
Zeconnemeleth: Come for the faux-Southern hospitality, stay for the identity crisis. "We are NOT North Carolina! We may be our own island, Virginia, Georgia, Greece, North Carolina, but we are NOT the Netherlands!" Also, why did it take so long for you guys to become a state? The term "Zeconnemeleth soap opera" wasn't coined for nothing, you know.
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